By Melvin Durai

Don’t you just hate terrorists? Even when they fail, they make life difficult for us.

Back in December 2001, just three months after 9/11, Richard Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight, tried to ignite explosives hidden in his shoes. Fortunately for everyone on board, Reid’s shoe size was considerably higher than his IQ. He brought attention to himself, was subdued by passengers and is currently serving a life sentence at a maximum security prison in Colorado, the only prisoner in America required to wear plastic see-through shoes.

Thanks to the shoe bomber, many passengers were asked to remove their shoes as they passed through airport security and, as you can imagine, some of them made quite a stink. And others made a stink about the stink. As for me, I found myself cursing the shoe bomber in several languages, thanks to the book “The Rough Guide to World Cursing.”

Me: “$#@& shoe bomber! If it weren’t for him, I’d be able to travel without showing everyone the hole in my sock.”

Security officer: “That’s a big hole. Do you mind if I look inside it?”

Millions of people removed their shoes over the last decade and not a single bomb was found, though a Kentucky man did knock several people out with the fumes from his feet.

Fast forward to December 2009 and we had another case of a failed bombing attempt aboard a plane. This time, the alleged terrorist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a 23-year-old passenger on a Northwest Airlines flight, concealed the explosives in his underwear. I say “alleged terrorist” because his lawyer will likely contend that he wasn’t trying to blow up the plane — he was merely trying to give himself a sex change operation.

Fortunately, the explosives in his underwear failed to detonate, producing only flames and popping sounds, prompting one Christian on the plane to wonder if this was truly a miracle from God, a slightly different version of the “burning bush.”

Needless to say, many travellers were concerned that they would now need to remove their underwear at the security checkpoint.  But a top U.S. security official put them at ease, saying, “We respect the rights of passengers and will not ask them to remove any undergarments. We will just use scanners to see right through them.”
The underwear bomber was not paid by the company that makes full-body scanners, but considering how much they’ve benefited from his actions, the least they could do is send him a new pair of underwear.

I’m not keen on someone using a scanner to look through my clothes, but since terrorism is such a big concern these days, I have no objection to scanners being used on everyone else on the plane. Especially the ones who seem a little too well-endowed. Yes, I’m talking about you, Miss Aspiring Model.

Thankfully, we have the option of getting a pat-down instead of a full-body scan. And if the security officer happens to be particularly attractive, we may be inclined to get a full-body pat-down.

If you think these security measures go too far, just wait until a terrorist hides explosives in one of his orifices. The full-body scan will seem mild compared to the ROP (random orifice probe). So don’t laugh when your Indian friend, who works at the airport, says, “Goodbye. I’m off to
my orifice job.” It could mean that security has been tightened further.

Security officer: “Sorry for the intrusion, sir. Just want to make sure you have nothing in there.”

Me: “What would I be hiding in there?”

Officer: “That’s what I’m going to find out. Hmmm … I see some wax, but no wick.”

Me: “That’s ear wax, you idiot!”

Officer: “Yeah, sure. That’s what they all say. I’m going to have to take a sample and test it, just to make sure. It will only take three hours.”

Me: “Three hours? What am I going to do in the meantime?”

Officer: “Well, you could go shopping for a new pair of socks.”

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, “If I throw this $100 bill off this jet, I’ll make one person happy!”

Dick Cheney said, “Man, if I throw ten $10 bills down, I’ll make ten people happy!”

Then Laura Bush said, “If I throw one hundred $1 bills off this jet, I’ll make a 100 people happy.”

Then the pilot said, “Man, if I throw these three losers out from this jet, I’ll make six billion people happy.”

2

During romance, a new Russian wife talks to her husband.
Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

3

World’s smallest resignation letter: “Respected sir, I love your wife.”

4

“When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.”
“Why should only I suffer?”

5

“It’s funny when people discuss Love marriage Vs arranged.”
“It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.”

6

Santa saw a very high cellular tower with a red light glowing on the top.
Seeing this he said? “India is developing fast; see there are traffic signals for planes.”

7

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
“No woman” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever.”

8.

First Kid: “Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconscious.”
Second Kid: “Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or did you die?”
First Kid: “I don’t remember exactly, I was only three-years-old.”

Quirkland

A man was filling out a job application. He came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?”
He wrote, “No.”
The next question for people who had answered “Yes” to the previous question, was “Why?”
The man answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

*
Lalu: Doctor, I don’t remember anything, sometimes on the road I even forget if I am going to office from home or going back home from office.
Psychiatrist: In such a condition, you should check your tiffin. If it is empty then you are going home, if it is full, you are going to office.

*

Bill was invited for dinner by a friend. Every time he talked to his wife by calling her “Darling”, “Sweet-heart”, “My-love” etc.
His friend said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names of love.”
Bill replied, “Well, honestly speaking, I’ve just forgotten her name.”

*

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the thief who had broken into his house the night before.
Policeman: You’ll get a chance to meet him in court.
The man: No, no ! I want to know how he got into the house so silently without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

*

Q. How can you tell when a politician is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

*

Banta and Santa finished their English exam and came out.
Santa: How did you do your exam?
Banta: The exam was okay, but for the past tense of “Think”, I thought, and thought, and at last I wrote “Thunk”!

*

Wife: Do you know the meaning of wife? With Idiot For Ever !
Husband: No, It means: Without Information Fighting Everytime.

*

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.
Dentist: I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.

*

Patient: “Doctor, my teeth are yellowish, what should I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie.

By Melvin Durai

Impressing others is, of course, one of the main reasons for faking, whether you’re wearing fake jewelry, displaying a fake diploma, or chatting on a fake Smartphone. Fake hair can transform a man’s life instantly. That’s why I’m thinking of getting a toupee. Women will stop thinking of me as “the guy with the bald spot,” but instead think of me as “the guy with the bad toupee.”

Fake hair may not be a huge improvement, but fake teeth usually are, as long as your dentist didn’t graduate from a fake university. You know, the ones that hand out fake degrees, but get really mad when you pay them with fake money.

Take it from me, the best fake teeth are the ones that are specially fitted for your mouth, not the ones that come in a box that says, “One size fits all.” If your dentist has to hammer them in, it’s time to get yourself a new dentist –- and preferably not one who’s approved by the FDA (Fake Dentists Association).

Fake teeth can help you get a date, but so can fake accents, especially if they’re French or Irish or even Jamaican. An Indian accent may not get you a date, but it might get you a job at Microsoft. Just don’t show them a fake degree or you might soon be standing before a judge, trying to produce fake tears.

Trust me, it isn’t easy to produce fake tears, even when your wife decides that the cooking show is more exciting than the football game. Fake laughter is much easier –- and more essential to everyday life. It comes in handy at most workplaces, whenever the boss tells a joke.

Fake laughter, of course, is much better than the faking that goes on in the bedroom. This is particularly troublesome to men. We don’t mind a certain amount of faking, but do you know what we absolutely hate?

Fake headaches.

A doctor and pundit loved the same girl.

Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.

Doctor asked: Why?

Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

******

Once Santa needed blood for his heart surgery.

He got it from a poor Bania.

Santa gave him five million dollars. Once again the Santa needed blood for surgery.

Bania was more than happy to donate blood again. This time, Santa just gave him a Cadburies chocolate. Bania asked the reason.

Santa: Now I also have Bania blood in my body.

******

Wife: (standing in front of the mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?

Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent!

******

A Russian’s donkey went missing. Russian was praying and thanking God.

Santa saw him and asked: “Your donkey is missing; Why are you thanking God?”

Russian: I am thanking about him because I wasn’t riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.

******

Lalu and his wife Rabri were angry with each other and were not talking to each other.

Lalu left a note on Rabri’s bedside table, that said: “Dear Wife! Awake me at five am tomorrow.”

Next morning, Lalu woke up at 8 am and saw a note on his bedside table: “Dear husband, it’s 5 o’clock, get up.”

******

Two Haryanvi men were searching for their lost wives in a festival at Hissar city.

First Haryanvi: What does your wife look like?

Second Haryanvi: She is 5’7”, 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair. And yours?

First Haryanvi: Forget mine, let us look for yours.

******

Santa to Banta: Your friend is kissing your wife in your own house.

Banta rushed home angrily. After half an hour, he came back and slapped Santa.

Banta said: You fool, he is not my friend.

******

Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

My wife has just completed a Ph.D., which means that, between the two of us, we now have two doctorates. Yes, she has two and I have none.

She’s a double-doctor; I’m a double-dunce.

She just finished defending her dissertation; I just finished defending my dessert. “Hey, keep your hands off the ice cream. I’m saving it for breakfast!”

She spent four years earning a Ph.D. in veterinary epidemiology; I spent four years learning how to spell “epidemiology.” (Please don’t ask me what it means. I can’t afford another four years.)

Most people believe that Ph.D. stands for “piled higher and deeper.” That’s not true at all. Ph.D. stands for “permanent head damage.”

Almost all college professors in America, not just the ones teaching organic chemistry, suffer from Ph.D. A few suffer from an acute form of Ph.D. known as “persistent head dilation.” This condition can usually be alleviated through acupuncture, a procedure that allows large amounts of hot air to escape.

In fact, since this condition was first diagnosed in 1987,several professors from Harvard University have been recruited to help keep the MetLife Blimp aloft.

A Ph.D., as you can see, can put more stress on a human brain than almost any endeavor, except perhaps filing taxes and negotiating peace in the Middle East.

If you visit any large university, you can easily spot the Ph.D. candidates. They’re the ones walking around in a daze, muttering to themselves, without having smoked anything illegal.

Many have dark circles around their eyes, partly from lack of sleep and partly from banging their heads against walls.

Earning a Ph.D. is similar to sex. You never know how long it’s going to take. Some people are quick; others take an eternity. Some drop out in the middle, too exhausted (or bored) to continue. Many are involved in  xperimentation.
And the results often make them scream.

A Ph.D. is hard because, unlike a bachelor’s or master’s degree, you cannot buy your research papers on the Internet. You must conduct original research. Originality is important, because your research will likely be published in a prominent journal and read by as many as three people. Yes, it could make you “world famous in your field.”

But not everyone can achieve fame in a prominent publication like the Journal of Indeterminate Variable Engineering (JIVE). Some must settle for a lesser publication like the Journal of Unappreciated Native Kitsch (JUNK).

If you’re lucky, you’ll be invited to present your findings at an academic conference, where other people with Ph.D.s will nod their heads, clap their hands and pretend they understand what you’re saying.

Of course, before you can achieve such celebrity, you must complete your Ph.D. You must resist the temptation to just drop out and become a normal human being, one who has no chance of attaining that blissful state known to university professors as “tenure.”

Tenure allows you to become a permanent fixture at a university, outliving not just the chairs and desks, but also most buildings. Tenure allows you to live a grander, more stable life than the poor untenured masses.

Yes, a Ph.D. can definitely improve your life. My wife, who also has a doctorate in veterinary medicine, hopes to work permanently as a university researcher. “The Ph.D. will be good for my curriculum vitae,” she says.

Curriculum vitae? I hope she sees a medical doctor about that. Sounds rather painful.

This is a very serious threat, particularly for young people. Please take extra precautions in your lives. Please also share this important information with your friends, so that no harm comes to them too.

At Toronto’s Pearson airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator. Justice Minister Ann McLelland believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

Therefore, I’m extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it’s time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As an American President would say, Read my ellipse.

Here is one principle he is uncertainty of – though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After travelling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”

“Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”

“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.

The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”

“Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.

“Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”

“Please do,” responded the priest.

So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”

The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”

“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”

By Melvin Durai

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for flying British Airways Flight 324 nonstop from London to New York. We are still awaiting our security clearance from U.S. authorities, but it’s safe to assume that we’ll land in New York sometime in the next month or so.

If you look to your left, you will see a landmark that attracts more than one million tourists every year. It’s called Heathrow Airport. Yes, we haven’t yet taken off, as a few astute passengers have noticed. Needless to say, we would rather wait on the ground than in the air — it’s so much easier to get a refill. You won’t believe how fast we go through our liquor cart.

The weather in New York is cold and breezy, with a 30 percent chance of snow. But why am I telling you that? By the time we get there, it might be summer.

Of course, there is still a possibility the status of this flight will be changed to “delayed indefinitely” from its current status of “delayed definitely.” If that happens, you may be asked to disembark immediately. With that in mind, I would advise you not to get too comfortable. You may recline your seat and stretch your legs, but please don’t change into your pajamas.

If you are spotted wearing pajamas in the airport, the United States may revoke your visa. In fact, if you are seen wearing any type of clothing that does not conform to standards established by the U.S. Attorney General, as specified in Section IV, Paragraph 3 of the Anti-Terrorism Law, you may be denied entry into the United States, unless, of course, you can prove you’re a member of the clergy.

Please do not take this personally. These measures have been taken to protect you from people who look like you.

As you’ve probably heard, the U.S. government recently raised the national threat level to orange, which means there’s a high risk of terrorists attacking people with oranges. This may seem like a minor threat to you, but has anyone ever squeezed an orange peel into your eye?

As a result of this threat, airport security has been beefed up, with apologies to our vegetarian passengers. Some of you already know this, having spent the last two hours being poked at. A few of you may have come under extra scrutiny,especially if you have names such as Hussein, Ahmed and Abdul. But most of you are white and your names, thankfully,create no concern, as I just told the three men in first class, an Englishman named Hunt, an American named Rob, and a Dutchman named Harm.

Once we get to New York, you may be photographed and fingerprinted, especially if you come from a non-European country. Please do not take this personally. No one is saying that you’re a terrorist. They’re just saying that you look like one.

Before I finish, I’d like to draw your attention to the back of the plane, where you’ll see that we have an Indian man flying with us today. Please do not panic. He has been through a special 16-hour security check. We even tested the oil in his hair. You’ll be glad to know that it isn’t flammable. Among the items we’ve confiscated from this man are two sharp pencils, one orange and a bottle of a caustic, tongue-burning substance that he claims is lemon pickle.

Anyway, I just want you to know that this man will soon get

up to use the restroom, escorted by three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom will be observed with 206 cameras, one for every bone in his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised above his head at all times, so you might not want to use the restroom after him.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I’m retiring in a couple of months and I feel a strong urge to be completely open with my passengers, an urge I’ve had ever since the liquor cart went by.